Friday, February 12, 2010

I didn't think I was finished yet - but maybe I am...

It has been a very bad couple of weeks.

Weeks that involve hospitals are generally bad of course, though when they combine morphine with the hospital experience it gets marginally more bearable. Not much, but slightly.

As absolute low moments go the late evening when a surgeon stood at the end of my bed and suggested that there was a possibility that they had perforated my bowel and if so I would die in the very near future as he wasn't going to operate given I was terminal anyway was probably a once in a lifetime low. (But I guess if they had actually perforated my bowel it would have been worse - thankfully they hadn't) He then had the audacity to say he knew how I felt! I told him fairly sharply that he had no idea how I felt at all and couldn't possibly and he did have the grace to look slightly abashed.

Anyhow he wasn't the only person who used the terminal word. And they combined it into sentences that were instructions, like "You need to accept you are terminal".

Actually I don't have trouble accepting I am terminal when I stop to contemplate it. I have no problem understanding that this cancer will kill me. That has pretty much been a given for a long time since there has been a complete disinterest in actually doing anything to positively improve my chances of survival for the last five years. I have a great deal of difficulty getting my head round time frames (of which there are none but sooner seems to be used rather than later - though they've been wrong about that for about four years too) - and we are all dying after all.

So in the spirit of being a good patient I wrote down some funeral instructions and a quick list of items I want to go to certain people. I guess that is admiting that sooner rather than later might be a possibility.

Anyway I'm home now, should survive the weekend, no longer subjected to hospital jelly or carrot soup (who on earth invented clear carrot soup!) and life is on the improve.


Opinionated Libertarimum said...

"Clear carrot soup"??? Ick! How is that made? I shudder to think. Boiled carrot water? Actually, I prefer not to think about this at all.

I thought I was going through a bad few weeks. I know this isn't a competition, but I think you might be the winner here. I'm pleased you haven't lost your blogging mojo, at least. Take care, and please blog if you need help with anything. Hugs.

wino said...

LOL I didn't ask for the recipe for carrot soup to be honest. An oversight on my part. It looked a bit like boiled carrot water (maybe those on real diets got seriously overcooked carrots for lunch that day).

Thanks to for the hugs. The process of putting the fairly bad into terms more suitable for general consumption helps me rationalise it I find so it is rather therapeutic.

Talisman Farm said...

Kay, have just read this. You are a strong, gutsy woman and you don't give up so I know you will pick yourself up and fight this (fairly massive) setback and give it all you have got (which is a lot). If I can do ANYTHING, I am never far away. Thinking of you guys right now and counting my personal blessings for all that I have. I will do my damnedest to see if I can't find someone trusted and wonderful to offer that dear little gelding of yours a fabulous home so you have one less thing to worry about. (((hugs)))

homepaddock said...

So sorry to read this post and learn of your illness.

Your courage, and ability to retain a sense of hunour, are inspirational.

Opinionated Libertarimum said...

I was going to make a witty comment about hospital dinners and cookbook, but then vaguely thought - doesn't the Edmond's cookbook have a section for 'invalids'?? Must find my copy to see if there is a recipe for clear carrot soup!!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and now will return each day.

I wish you well.

オテモヤン said...
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