I'm not actually depressed at the moment but aware often that what is happening in my life is depressing so I feel doubtful about blogging for fear of sounding miserable.
Anyway I had the first dose of chemotheraphy yesterday.
I was given three choices:
1 Not too nasty chemo with about a 60% chance it would work
2 Nastier chemo with a slightly better chance it would work
3 The option to go on a clinical trial where I would get nastier chemo or nastier chemo in conjunction with a new drug which looks good in mice but initial results in humans are only moderately successful.
No one quite believes I did this but I narrowed it down to options 1 or 3 and I tossed a coin. Option 3 came up. Then over the other side of the world they reviewed my scans and bloodtests, decided I was an acceptable guinea pig and tossed another coin to randomise me onto the trial and I came up as part of the control group so I am just getting the nastier chemo cocktail not the new drug. A couple of people have asked cautiously if I am disappointed about this but I am actually not... if that is what happened that is the way it is meant to be for me. A minor bit of good news is the tumour they can measure at the moment on scans (there are a lot of bits that aren't showing up in scans) has not grown since the last scan in early May, (and fingers crossed it starts getting smaller soon) .
I'm starting back at work next week, once I get over the three or four days of yuk that goes with chemo, but think I will work mostly from home for a while. Home is a good place to work, home is just a good place to be!
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