Just another day in the complaints department

Someone rang work the other day to complain. We still don't know who he was because he wouldn't say. He was most unimpressed with the level of service though.

First he spent 10 minutes berating the receptionist who was trying to find out who had upset him - eventually she identified the staff member responsible when he told her what type of car he drove, so that was a start. So she put the call through to me.

He started with "I didn't know there were women doing your job"
There's a dozen or so answers to that "no you are right - I've just checked and I'm a bloke really" or "yeah was a bit of an experiment giving me so much power, not sure how it is working out" or "I got the job before the sex change" and similar. Anyway I was in soothe mode so I said "Oh there's a few of us"

So he started on the complaint
"that guy is a bastard" (well I can't check the parentage of all staff, but I'm sure this one said his parents were married.... hmmm)
"he's a real wanker" (eeewwww not in work time surely, we have got problems)
"absolutely incompetent, never seen anyone as incompetent" (darn, training isn't working)
"should be fired" (hell no, I'd have to do some work then!)

After a bit more of this I asked him if he'd give me his name so I could investigate further. "I'm not letting you snoop into my affairs" (like I want to)
So I say "okay what is the problem then - in general terms"
"Well obviously his qualifications aren't worth the paper they are written on" (ohhh that's a hefty accusation but we can probably overlook it since you probably don't know what the said qualifications actually are)
"and he just smarms around the place like he owns it, very full of himself, all friendly and pretending he's got every right to come knocking on my door." (my God it's worse than I thought, I'm really not sure how I am going to handle this) try more soothe - "was it really that bad that he knocked on you door Mr.... (pause but no name supplied) I mean he only wanted to ask you a couple of questions I would imagine, he's not selling anything."
"It's an invasion of my privacy" (oh okay, sorry, didn't realise)
"you should know that" (umm, right I'm learning)
So try more soothe "You know most people don't mind,"
"Well they should, before you know it everyone will know everything about you." (very real and serious danger I have to admit, I'm glad he alerted me to this I hadn't realised)
"You wouldn't like it." "Well actually I wouldn't care at all."
"You're just a typical bloody woman, too stupid to know what's going on." (right 1. don't call all women stupid and 2. don't call me typical) "there is no need to be abusive thank you."

So I was abruptly hung up on.

I had made some notes:
bastard
wanker
incompetent
invasion of privacy

Still not sure who he was but I think I got his description.

Memo to all staff
We will no longer be tolerating illegitimacy, wanking, or incompetence in this office. Please make sure it doesn't happen again.