So I have had nothing to say.
I am getting bitterly resentful of having my life on hold while some group of medical people get round to discussing me. While I have had time to contemplate this I have also started to wonder if the decisions they are going to make when they do get round to it will actually be the best treatment decisions for me or if the treatment I get will be what fits in with their budgets and patient loadings.... Cynical? You bet. All out of faith in the health system.
So we go on.
Actually I have had two rides on the new GG. He's a lovely character, green as grass, attached to the minis now so he puts in a bit of a buck when asked to move away from them, but otherwise a non stress ride. Nice walk and trot on him, haven't tried a canter yet, he should come good with work.... As is always the way he fits perfectly the saddle that I don't particularly like and doesn't fit the one I do like. I can feel a wee saddle buying excursion coming on... ('right!' says husband, 'horse now owns covers that cost more than he cost, now you want a saddle worth twice what he is worth' - that's not true, the covers were on special and didn't cost that much and anyway you can't leave a horse with a feeling of inadequacy cos he hasn't got anything to wear!
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Lifestyle?
Husband rose at the crack of dawn to go to Auckland. Actually it was before the crack of dawn. He hung the washing out but the rest of the chores were up to me.
I had to be in Taupo by 9am meaning I had to leave home at 7.30 at the very latest. So at 7.15 I was ready to uncover horses, feed chooks, and give Kiwi his morning feed with drugs. Was dressed for work (trying to look like the professional person my job description says I am) so grabbed the old oilskin from the laundry to prevent getting grubby.
Fed the chooks no trouble. Ya gotta love hens, they have such a capacity for happiness (probably because they have a brain the size of a pea) give them some laying pellets, the outside leaves of a lettuce, half a slice of vegemite toast and last nights leftovers and they think they are in heaven.
Horse covers next - took Brandy's cover off, then Calypso snuck up behind me, had a sniff of the oilskin and decided this was no one he knew. In fact it was some evil person who was there with the express purpose of hurting small horses in ways that only he could imagine. He retired to the middle of the paddock in a panic. In an effort to get him to come closer I offered him Kiwi's breakfast. Now Calypso knew for sure that no one with good intentions would offer a fat little horse a bucket that big. Obviously I was offering him poison. He ran faster.
As he was wearing a winter weight cover he would have baked right through if I had left it on, so I took the oilskin off. Managed to corner him by the watertrough (he was thirsty after running round) and he was so relieved to find that it was me and not the smelly oilskin monster after all that he dribbled all over my shoulder when I undid the front strap of his cover. (well so much for the staying clean plan)
General appearance was further improved when Kiwi gave me a chaffy kiss after the first mouthful of his breakfast.
Right it's just past half past. I can go as soon as I brush the slobber out of my hair and change my top... the trouble is - domestic goddess that I am - I appear to be somewhat behind in the ironing. Found one ironed shirt but it proved to be missing a button - so it was back to the ironing board.
Finally left home at 7.55, noting that I appeared a little low on petrol too, with some sort of vague idea that I might be able to make up the time (yeah right!). That was before I got to the outskirts of Rotorua where there was a traffic jam. I don't believe it - this is Rotorua, there aren't enough people live here to create this queue of cars. (Bloody tourists!) . Fuel light has been on some time and I am destined to run out of petrol in a line of traffic moving at 2 km an hour... (well at least there will be someone round to help me) . It is 8:40 and unless a helicopter appears there is no way I will cover the 100 odd kilometres to Taupo in time. I ring the man I was to meet at that time and reschedule. He sounds a bit put out and disbelieving (yeah, like I would make up a traffic jam in Rotorua, now if I was going to tell a lie I would at least think up a plausible one.)
Anyway made it to the service station and filled the car - emptier than I have had it to date.... and looking at the weeks worth of gravel road dust on it decided a carwash might be a good idea. The car was emerging from the dust and I am sitting there fighting that feeling you have that you are moving when in fact you are still and everything is moving round you, when the aerial goes twang, and then more ominously Snap. Yes I know, they tell you to put your aerial down, they even say it isn't their fault when your aerial snaps and your spoiler falls off. I have never put the aerial down... This wasn't that type of aerial....(the type that goes down) but not to worry because it isn't really any kind of aerial now and I will be able to reconsider what type of receiving device I use to gather radio signals for my listening enjoyment. CD still works. I put a CD on. Some compilation of non memorable music - sounds just like the radio anyway and without the ads.
Eventually got to Taupo and man I was supposed to meet was very pleasant and agreed with everything I said. This was probably not because he personally felt everything I said was correct, it is likely he decided that any woman who can get stuck in a traffic jam in Rotorua is an idiot and there is no point arguing with her.
Rest of the day was fairly uneventful - eventually went home and repeated or reversed everything I did this morning, plus a few more things like have a chat to the cows, and also had an argument with the water supply which has some characteristics only my husband has come to terms with. Eventually (after 30 minutes) managed to get water into all troughs and things, was close to getting a bucket...
Not sure I have time to go to work tomorrow.
I had to be in Taupo by 9am meaning I had to leave home at 7.30 at the very latest. So at 7.15 I was ready to uncover horses, feed chooks, and give Kiwi his morning feed with drugs. Was dressed for work (trying to look like the professional person my job description says I am) so grabbed the old oilskin from the laundry to prevent getting grubby.
Fed the chooks no trouble. Ya gotta love hens, they have such a capacity for happiness (probably because they have a brain the size of a pea) give them some laying pellets, the outside leaves of a lettuce, half a slice of vegemite toast and last nights leftovers and they think they are in heaven.
Horse covers next - took Brandy's cover off, then Calypso snuck up behind me, had a sniff of the oilskin and decided this was no one he knew. In fact it was some evil person who was there with the express purpose of hurting small horses in ways that only he could imagine. He retired to the middle of the paddock in a panic. In an effort to get him to come closer I offered him Kiwi's breakfast. Now Calypso knew for sure that no one with good intentions would offer a fat little horse a bucket that big. Obviously I was offering him poison. He ran faster.
As he was wearing a winter weight cover he would have baked right through if I had left it on, so I took the oilskin off. Managed to corner him by the watertrough (he was thirsty after running round) and he was so relieved to find that it was me and not the smelly oilskin monster after all that he dribbled all over my shoulder when I undid the front strap of his cover. (well so much for the staying clean plan)
General appearance was further improved when Kiwi gave me a chaffy kiss after the first mouthful of his breakfast.
Right it's just past half past. I can go as soon as I brush the slobber out of my hair and change my top... the trouble is - domestic goddess that I am - I appear to be somewhat behind in the ironing. Found one ironed shirt but it proved to be missing a button - so it was back to the ironing board.
Finally left home at 7.55, noting that I appeared a little low on petrol too, with some sort of vague idea that I might be able to make up the time (yeah right!). That was before I got to the outskirts of Rotorua where there was a traffic jam. I don't believe it - this is Rotorua, there aren't enough people live here to create this queue of cars. (Bloody tourists!) . Fuel light has been on some time and I am destined to run out of petrol in a line of traffic moving at 2 km an hour... (well at least there will be someone round to help me) . It is 8:40 and unless a helicopter appears there is no way I will cover the 100 odd kilometres to Taupo in time. I ring the man I was to meet at that time and reschedule. He sounds a bit put out and disbelieving (yeah, like I would make up a traffic jam in Rotorua, now if I was going to tell a lie I would at least think up a plausible one.)
Anyway made it to the service station and filled the car - emptier than I have had it to date.... and looking at the weeks worth of gravel road dust on it decided a carwash might be a good idea. The car was emerging from the dust and I am sitting there fighting that feeling you have that you are moving when in fact you are still and everything is moving round you, when the aerial goes twang, and then more ominously Snap. Yes I know, they tell you to put your aerial down, they even say it isn't their fault when your aerial snaps and your spoiler falls off. I have never put the aerial down... This wasn't that type of aerial....(the type that goes down) but not to worry because it isn't really any kind of aerial now and I will be able to reconsider what type of receiving device I use to gather radio signals for my listening enjoyment. CD still works. I put a CD on. Some compilation of non memorable music - sounds just like the radio anyway and without the ads.
Eventually got to Taupo and man I was supposed to meet was very pleasant and agreed with everything I said. This was probably not because he personally felt everything I said was correct, it is likely he decided that any woman who can get stuck in a traffic jam in Rotorua is an idiot and there is no point arguing with her.
Rest of the day was fairly uneventful - eventually went home and repeated or reversed everything I did this morning, plus a few more things like have a chat to the cows, and also had an argument with the water supply which has some characteristics only my husband has come to terms with. Eventually (after 30 minutes) managed to get water into all troughs and things, was close to getting a bucket...
Not sure I have time to go to work tomorrow.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
New toy/pet/liability
Meet Kiwi who came to live with us today.
As horse buys go he's a bit of a dud since he is currently recovering from a stone bruise, and on antibiotics for a bug.
But I looked at him and he looked at me and I figured it was meant to be. His last owner who had rescued him said later that she knew that I was the owner for him after talking on the phone and was sure I would take him.
He's a five year old TB with the most awesome nature, totally laid back. I saw a video of him being ridden on two different occasions by inexperienced riders - walk trot and canter with the reins in loops.... in company and totally uncompetitive (apparently his racing career ended at his first trial - he doesn't have enough aggression to be bothered)
He's a bit thin for my liking at present but should put a bit more fat on now he's on reasonable grazing.
I'm hoping he is fit enough for me to have a ride before I get scheduled for surgery and won't be able to do anything for six weeks.
As horse buys go he's a bit of a dud since he is currently recovering from a stone bruise, and on antibiotics for a bug.
But I looked at him and he looked at me and I figured it was meant to be. His last owner who had rescued him said later that she knew that I was the owner for him after talking on the phone and was sure I would take him.
He's a five year old TB with the most awesome nature, totally laid back. I saw a video of him being ridden on two different occasions by inexperienced riders - walk trot and canter with the reins in loops.... in company and totally uncompetitive (apparently his racing career ended at his first trial - he doesn't have enough aggression to be bothered)
He's a bit thin for my liking at present but should put a bit more fat on now he's on reasonable grazing.
I'm hoping he is fit enough for me to have a ride before I get scheduled for surgery and won't be able to do anything for six weeks.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Why didn't I have the video camera with me
This afternoon I went and fed and watered the chooks (as I do) and collected the eggs, I put them in an empty bread bag. Then decided I would muck out the horse paddock. I then realised I was still holding a bag of eggs so reached back through the gate and put the bag on the ground on the other side - out of harms way I thought...
Looked round a few minutes later to find Calypso, the miniature colt, (aka the cheeky little git) on his knees by the gate with his head under the gate reaching for the bread bag. What's more he got it, and pulled it through under the gate. Started over to take it off him and he got back on his feet, tossed his head and bopped himself round the ears with a bag full of eggs. This obviously irritated him as he tossed his head again and let go of the bag which flew in a perfect parabola into the horse shelter about five metres away. Scrambled eggs of course.
Looked so funny I chuckled for ages.
Looked round a few minutes later to find Calypso, the miniature colt, (aka the cheeky little git) on his knees by the gate with his head under the gate reaching for the bread bag. What's more he got it, and pulled it through under the gate. Started over to take it off him and he got back on his feet, tossed his head and bopped himself round the ears with a bag full of eggs. This obviously irritated him as he tossed his head again and let go of the bag which flew in a perfect parabola into the horse shelter about five metres away. Scrambled eggs of course.
Looked so funny I chuckled for ages.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Shuddup and take ya Prozac
Maybe it is me but life is continuing to be seriously strange.
Rang the hospital this morning, last week they were supposed to discuss my case in a meeting, but I hadn't heard. This was because they didn't bother having the meeting. (this is a work practice I haven't yet tried but has definite merit, I mean we all know how tedious meetings can be) . Said I was still in the dark about how widespread the cancer is and I really wanted to discuss this with someone. I was told that I could be referred to a really competent counsellor who would help me deal with the issues that I was currently facing. Would they have my medical records in front of them then? No but they would be a help to me as I came to terms with being a cancer patient! Arghh help!!!!!!
Currently I feel reasonably sane considering but this isn't helping.
One of the guys at work went round the road to buy his daughter a bed. He walked into the shop, bounced on the bed a couple of times, checked out the price. The conversation went like this:
Bed buying person: Can I have that single bed over there
Shop Assistant: No I don't want to sell that one
BBP: Can I have one like it then
SA: No, we have to order six if we order one and we don't want to order six
BBP: Well I could just have that one since you have that one already
SA: No we need that one for display. You can have that King Single
BBP: At the same price
SA : No at the price marked on it
BBP: Okay but if you don't want to sell any singles why don't you sell the display one.
SA: Because people want to see what is available
Maybe I am crazy and just don't know it....
Rang the hospital this morning, last week they were supposed to discuss my case in a meeting, but I hadn't heard. This was because they didn't bother having the meeting. (this is a work practice I haven't yet tried but has definite merit, I mean we all know how tedious meetings can be) . Said I was still in the dark about how widespread the cancer is and I really wanted to discuss this with someone. I was told that I could be referred to a really competent counsellor who would help me deal with the issues that I was currently facing. Would they have my medical records in front of them then? No but they would be a help to me as I came to terms with being a cancer patient! Arghh help!!!!!!
Currently I feel reasonably sane considering but this isn't helping.
One of the guys at work went round the road to buy his daughter a bed. He walked into the shop, bounced on the bed a couple of times, checked out the price. The conversation went like this:
Bed buying person: Can I have that single bed over there
Shop Assistant: No I don't want to sell that one
BBP: Can I have one like it then
SA: No, we have to order six if we order one and we don't want to order six
BBP: Well I could just have that one since you have that one already
SA: No we need that one for display. You can have that King Single
BBP: At the same price
SA : No at the price marked on it
BBP: Okay but if you don't want to sell any singles why don't you sell the display one.
SA: Because people want to see what is available
Maybe I am crazy and just don't know it....
Monday, March 07, 2005
More on the war on pests
Apart from rabbits there are a few possums coming through from the bush over the road to eat the roses... Possums we can do - no problems, had a lot of practice. Live trap, (not prepared to use a Timms trap with the cats - not only ours but the neighbours) caught possum gets shot or gassed from exhaust fumes... never nice killing anything but it works...
So today I ring the regional council to ask if they have a live trap to loan out. (was never a problem in Nelson).
So fifty questions -
why don't I use a Timms trap (cats)
why don't I get a local guy in who shoots them for the skins to shoot them (some nights there are three some nights there are none - doubt it is worth his time)
why don't I poison them (not happy with poisoned carcases lying round in places we don't know about),
how am I going to kill them (as above)
did I know there was a rabbit problem in the area (yes thanks had noticed)
did I want my rabbits poisoned for a small fee while they were working in the area (no thanks - as above re poisons and is giving the cat something to do)
did I know that if 'my' rabbits reinfested the cleared areas they could charge me for it (yeah right - first you prove they are mine, does the same apply to 'your' possums that are coming into our place? - apparently this little law is not applicable to government - that's nice isn't it...)
FGS - I just want to get rid of a few possums, the stated intention of local government is also to get rid of some possums, we're on the same side here, - can I please have a live trap!!!!!
Well can you collect it within 24 hours of being told it is available? (yes)
There is a deposit (fine)
You can have it for two weeks and then will have to return it (arghh, okay, you win, it's too hard, I don't care, I'll buy a trap, where do I get one?)
He said he would look up the name of the people that supply cage traps and ring me right back - that was this morning..... guess tomorrow I will have a go at finding one for myself.
I have this uneasy feeling I should never have given him my name and address....
#&$$*@ bureaucracy
So today I ring the regional council to ask if they have a live trap to loan out. (was never a problem in Nelson).
So fifty questions -
why don't I use a Timms trap (cats)
why don't I get a local guy in who shoots them for the skins to shoot them (some nights there are three some nights there are none - doubt it is worth his time)
why don't I poison them (not happy with poisoned carcases lying round in places we don't know about),
how am I going to kill them (as above)
did I know there was a rabbit problem in the area (yes thanks had noticed)
did I want my rabbits poisoned for a small fee while they were working in the area (no thanks - as above re poisons and is giving the cat something to do)
did I know that if 'my' rabbits reinfested the cleared areas they could charge me for it (yeah right - first you prove they are mine, does the same apply to 'your' possums that are coming into our place? - apparently this little law is not applicable to government - that's nice isn't it...)
FGS - I just want to get rid of a few possums, the stated intention of local government is also to get rid of some possums, we're on the same side here, - can I please have a live trap!!!!!
Well can you collect it within 24 hours of being told it is available? (yes)
There is a deposit (fine)
You can have it for two weeks and then will have to return it (arghh, okay, you win, it's too hard, I don't care, I'll buy a trap, where do I get one?)
He said he would look up the name of the people that supply cage traps and ring me right back - that was this morning..... guess tomorrow I will have a go at finding one for myself.
I have this uneasy feeling I should never have given him my name and address....
#&$$*@ bureaucracy
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Oh mighty hunter
Cat 4 Rabbits -4
theres nothing quite like a nice warm spa after a hard afternoon hunting.....
We are a little rabbit infested here. There are several families of
bunnies living in various places round the property. It's a bit
of an issue since we aren't that keen on poisons. Husband was
very taken with a high powered air rifle at the Small Block Expo until
he saw the price tag, so it stayed there.
However Herbie the burmese has taken it upon himself to address the
problem. Over the last week he has had 4 rabbits. Number 1
was only a baby and he left it dead but intact under the dining room
table. Number 2 was slightly bigger but still alive. After his humans
dispatched it for him Herbie didn't like it any more and it was duely
buried. Number 3 was full grown and he neatly beheaded it in our
walk in wardrobe. As I got down on hands and knees to clean the
blood off the carpet I noticed he was also storing two dead mice in the
corner (yum). Number 4 was probably full grown - it was
hard to tell as he had fairly well taken it to pieces in the hall
- not nice.
At this rate we should be all out of rabbits by the end of the
month.... and while I am pleased he is catching them it would be far
more pleasant if he left them outside, and in one piece.
theres nothing quite like a nice warm spa after a hard afternoon hunting.....
We are a little rabbit infested here. There are several families of
bunnies living in various places round the property. It's a bit
of an issue since we aren't that keen on poisons. Husband was
very taken with a high powered air rifle at the Small Block Expo until
he saw the price tag, so it stayed there.
However Herbie the burmese has taken it upon himself to address the
problem. Over the last week he has had 4 rabbits. Number 1
was only a baby and he left it dead but intact under the dining room
table. Number 2 was slightly bigger but still alive. After his humans
dispatched it for him Herbie didn't like it any more and it was duely
buried. Number 3 was full grown and he neatly beheaded it in our
walk in wardrobe. As I got down on hands and knees to clean the
blood off the carpet I noticed he was also storing two dead mice in the
corner (yum). Number 4 was probably full grown - it was
hard to tell as he had fairly well taken it to pieces in the hall
- not nice.
At this rate we should be all out of rabbits by the end of the
month.... and while I am pleased he is catching them it would be far
more pleasant if he left them outside, and in one piece.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Do not read if you are looking for cheerful….
Thursday 24th February 2005 was the second worst day of my life.
I have only categorized three or four days in order of worst.
The worst day of my life was the 13th of December 2000. That was the day that I went into surgery to have what they predicted was a plain ordinary ovarian cyst removed and was woken up some hours later to be advised it was cancer and they had removed long lists of my insides. Literally and figuratively gutted. I was 38 years old – too young to have this happen to me. (however a strong family history of breast cancer should have apparently warned everyone that it could happen to me) I had some mean and nasty chemo and was declared clear of all visible tumours.
In cancer circles they talk about five year survivors. As I passed the four year anniversary I began to plan the five year party when I became an official survivor.
Until the second worst day of my life – when they told me my cancer was back.
I’m struggling with this at the moment. I really did believe I had this beaten and it is devastating to find that I haven’t – and to face up to the fact that I probably never will have it beaten, that this time’s treatment might work but there will always be a next time….
Over the next week or two they will formulate a plan of what they will do with me. A scan tonight should identify the extent of the recurrence and then a team of surgeons will decide what the best course of treatment is. It will probably be fairly fast so there shouldn’t be much time to worry about it.
What I really think is SO unfair is If I have to have cancer why can’t I at least be skinny instead of fat?
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